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Some Like it Yacht/Transcript
(The scene is the docks. A school bus pulls up. Principal Milder exits.) Principal Milder: Okay, children, watch your step. (Students exit the bus.) '' Everybody go down there and line up at the end of the dock. Joni, watch out for the — ''(an exclamation and a splash) Okay, never mind. Joni: I'm okay. [[Milo|'Milo']]: This is going to be the best field trip ever! [[Zack|'Zack']]: There better not be any flying fish. (Teachers and staff exit the bus.) Coach Mitchell: I just hope it doesn't end up like the teacher's convention last year in Seattle. Ms. Murawski: Right? (Cut to Milo, Melissa, and Zack walking. All have life-vests on, but Milo's appears to be sturdier.) Milo: You know, us Murphys love the sea. My great-great-grandfather was the captain of the S.S. Murphy. But it was lost. Zack: You mean it sank? Milo: No, just lost. He came down to the dock one day, and it was gone. We think he left the keys in it. (Cut to Principal Milder before the S.S. Indulgence. She walks as she talks, and all the students follow her.) Principal Milder: Okay, kids. This is it: the reason there's no school lunch program and the reason you have to bring your own toilet paper to school. I give you the school board's very own yacht, the Indulgence. (The students are awed; all photograph it simultaneously using their phones and post their pictures. A second later, they hear notification alerts; they all check them simultaneously.) Principal Milder: (to staff) The school board thinks we can justify the expense if we use it as a "teaching aid". (All the students chatter excitedly as they board the ''Indulgence, save Bradley and Milo.)'' Bradley: I just want to go on record, that Milo plus boat — (Milo runs in from screen left.) Milo: I've never been on a boat that wasn't sinking before. (He giggles maniacally) Woo-hoo!! (He boards) Bradley: — equals bad idea. (Transition to the ''Indulgence at sea. Ms. Murawski and the students are on deck.)'' Ms. Murawski: Oh! Children, gather round! We're about to bring in our first sample of marine life. (Hoists a bucket hanging overboard, looks into it) Oh, isn't he cu — (A squid leaps out and attaches itself to her face) Can anyone identify this? Seriously, what is this? because I cannot see a thing. Melissa: I think that's a squid. Ms. Murawski: Oh, how nice! So, can anyone tell me what this is? (Raises her right arm, which a flounder has in its mouth; it advances up her arm) (Cut to the galley. Milo and others are without.) Milo: I'm telling you, if it's a yacht, it has a galley full of food! It's probably right down — (Milo opens the door to reveal himself, Zack, and Mort. All gasp in awe. Move back quickly to reveal an astonishing array of sweets.) Milo: (reverently) Wow. Mort: Whoa. Zack: Have you ever seen a spread like this? Milo: I don't know where to begin. Mort: I do: alphabetically. (Bradley pokes his head in.) Bradley: Milo, what are you doing down here in the — (his eyes widen suddenly) oh my goodness. (Cut to an ice cream machine bathed in heavenly light.) Ah —! (Bradley approaches it.) Bradley: Hello, beautiful. I'm Bradley. (Zack walks on, his eyes wide, as he feeds on a root beer float) What's your name? No, no. Let me guess. (Takes up an ice cream cone) It's Carla, isn't it? (Milo enters and looks on quizzically; Bradley serves himself ice cream) Yes. (Milo and Zack exit the galley, disconcerted) I'm gonna call you Carla. (Cut to the bridge.) Coach Mitchell: Haha, look at me now! You can take away my driver's license, but you can't stop me from steering a boat! Hehehe — Milo: Hey, Coach, you want one? (Offers him an ice cream cone) Coach Mitchell: (his back to the helm) Whoa, whoa, whoa, be careful with that! These controls are very sensitive. I mean, look at this red button. It's been blinking since we got on board! Look at that baby go! Haha, (In sync with the lamp) blink — blink — blink — blink — (As Coach Mitchell continues "blink"ing, cut to the entry to the bridge; Mort is entering.) Mort: Did you guys see the omelet station? (Throws the door open, causing Milo to fling his ice cream cone away. Slow-motion.) Milo: No! (Cut to Zack, still feeding on his root beer float, looking on fearfully.) Coach Mitchell: Blink, blink, blink, (notices the flying ice cream cone) no! (It falls harmlessly onto the floor. Normal motion.) Huh, that's not so bad. (A pelican flies at the forward window.) It could have been a lot — ("On the Open Sea" begins. The pelican flies through it, striking Coach Mitchell. He notices it and runs about the bridge shrieking. Milo, Zack, and Mort watch. In the course of stumbling about, he gets his foot stuck in a pail and, trying to get it out again, falls into a supply closet. He comes out again, but slides on the ice cream cone, landing on a rake, which hits him in the face. He lays his hand down upon the floor, tripping a mouse-trap. He hits his head on a hanging lamp.) Coach Mitchell: Get it off me!! (He sits in a pie, gets up again, and continues panicking. Melissa enters.) Melissa: Hey, where'd you guys get those? (Milo pauses slurping his root beer float to answer.) Milo: Down at the galley. They've got root beer, and ice cream... Zack: Yeah, the ice cream machine may be in use. (The pelican attacking Coach Mitchell pokes buttons on the instrument panel, activating and jettisoning various things on the ''Indulgence, including a hoop through which an orca jumps. Coach Mitchell swings his arm trying to rid himself of the pelican; its wing throws the throttle lever fully forward, and Mort, Milo, Zack, and Melissa are flung against the aft wall.)'' (Cut to the galley, where Bradley is arranging for himself a very large ice cream cone. He too is flung against the wall.) (Cut to the deck. Ms. Murawski, with the animals still on her, stumbles into a trough.) Singer: ♪ You've got the breeze in your hair ♪ ♪ And the sweet salt air ♪ (The ''Indulgence whizzes past a buoy, which it sets a-spinning.)'' ♪ When you're out on the open sea ♪ ♪ You can be my first mate ♪ (The ship skips on the water.) ♪ 'Cause my ship is in shape ♪ (Ms. Murawski surfaces, only to be brought under again by a giant squid.) ♪ Won't you come and take a trip with me ♪ ♪ We've got nothing to lose ♪ (Coach Mitchell yells as the ''Indulgence ''approaches an island.) ♪ Let's just go for a cruise ♪ ♪ I can teach you ichthyology ♪ (Coach Mitchell notices that the pelican has left him. It has a hat and suitcase, and it leaves out a window.) ♪ Just sailing along with me on the open sea ♪ (The ''Indulgence runs aground, plowing through villages.)'' ♪ Just sailing along with me on the open — ♪ ("On the Open Sea" ends abruptly. The ''Indulgence crashes and stops. Wildlife in its wake look towards it. Coach Mitchell, having been flung against a forward window, falls down it and groans.)'' Milo: What have we run into? Hey, it's the S.S. Murphy! We found it. Grandpa will be so happy! (Coach Mitchell, Zack, Melissa, Milo, and other students walk on deck.) Coach Mitchell: Are you children okay? (The students answer affirmatively.) That's more than I can say for the Indulgence. (Cut to reveal a great gash in its hull.) Our navigation system and radio are shot! (All present gasp.) Principal Milder: We're stranded? Chad: We'll starve! Joni: We're going to have to sleep outside! Unnamed student: There's no cell service! Mort: Actually, I'm okay with it. Zack: So we're lost, and no one knows where we are? That's my worst nightmare! Melissa: What about flying fish? Zack: Okay, that's my second worst nightmare! Principal Milder: Okay, I know things look bad, especially since we have the walking disaster magnet on board — Milo: She's talking about me! Principal Milder: — but if we all just stay calm and keep together, everything will be okay. Ms. Murawski: I'm going native. Who's with me? (Coach Mitchell, Mrs. White, and an unnamed teacher howl and run off.) Principal Milder: Okay, children. (Backing off) I appear to be having a small problem with the faculty. I'll be back, uh, so, — (Disembarks and runs away) — Free period! Melissa: Try not to eat each other! (To the students) Okay then. Now, everybody, just stay calm. The last thing we want to do right now is freak out. (The lid of the chest labeled "EMERGENCY" behind her opens, and she convulses. Mr. Drako emerges.) Mr. Drako: What's going on? I was just taking a little nap to get out of the noon-day sun. Zack: Mr. Drako, the ship ran aground, the radio's broken, and the rest of the teachers ran off into the jungle. Mr. Drako: (gets out of the box) Sounds like our teacher convention last year in Seattle. (Chuckles) No, seriously, it was just like that. But don't panic; we'll just set off a signal flare and see if anyone notices. (Mr. Drako lights a signal flare; it rockets off, hits a window, and bounces back into the box of emergency equipment.) Mr. Drako: Hm. Okay, kids. Now's the time to panic! (All panic. Every flare in the box flies out and lands on the ''S.S. Murphy, setting it ablaze.)'' Milo: Okay, nobody tell Grandpa about this. Mr. Drako: Now, children, don't worry your pretty little necks. Milo: Heads. Mr. Drako: Heads. I'm sure that Principal Milder has everything under control. (Cut to the jungle, then pan to Principal Milder, her garments torn, her head adorned with feathers, and her face painted, on a throne of bamboo. She is flanked by torches, and on her right is a sign with several rows of stars, perhaps a ranking system of some sort.) Principal Milder: The time has come for you to present your tribute. Ms. Murawski: (bearing a large leaf, on which are two smaller leaves, a twig, and a lizard) ''O great Mil-Wa, I bring you tribute. ''(Sets the leaf upon the ground and does obeisance) (The lizard leaves the leaf.) Principal Milder: Your tribute pleases me not. The rest will bring tribute! Coach Mitchell: (off-screen) No! (Pan quickly to him; he produces a sceptre) I invoke the rite of Krem-Hai! The other staff, save Principal Milder: Ooh! Principal Milder: (rises) You challenge me? (Tears off her sleeves) Bring it on, Mitchell! Coach Mitchell: I don't remember those in Seattle. (Principal Milder yells and attacks Coach Mitchell.) All save Principal Milder and Coach Mitchell: Krem-Hai! Krem-Hai! Krem-Hai! (they continue in this vein) (Principal Milder and Coach Mitchell grapple.) Mrs. White: Sometimes I wonder what became of the young ones. (They pause for a moment.) All save Principal Milder and Coach Mitchell: Krem-Hai! (Cut back to the ''Indulgence. The students are busy repairing the ship and loading provisions.)'' Milo: Okay, Melissa. What have you got to report? Melissa: Our scouting party found a freshwater spring three klicks past Dead Man's Bluff. Milo: Excellent! I have no idea what a klick is, but there's a bamboo outcropping on the north ridge. You can use that to build pipe for an aqueduct. Zack! How's it going sealing up the hole? Zack: The mixture of flour, milk, sugar, butter, and ice cream turned out to be a highly effective sealant! Milo: O, so the mess from the mess hall proved useful after all. Zack: Yup, but we're still washing the Carla off of Bradley. (Cut to the galley. Bradley is sitting upon the ground, covered in ice cream and sobbing, while Mort is hosing him down.) Bradley: Carla! (Cut back to the deck.) Zack: Now we just have to figure out a way to get the yacht back into the water. (Diogee barks.) Milo: Diogee? (Zoom out to reveal him) Diogee! How'd you get here? (Fade into Diogee's flashback. He is sitting before Jefferson County Middle School. "From Here to There" begins.) First passerby: Hey, look at this. My almanac says there's going to be a freakish high tide today! Second passerby: Glad I'm not stranded on an island somewhere. Singer: ♪ I'll get from here to there ♪ (Diogee looks at a map on which is an airport and enters the subway.) ♪ You can count on me ♪ (Show Diogee riding the subway, then show him exiting a bus.) ♪ It's just a matter of time ♪ (Diogee enters the airport.) ♪ I'll get from here to there ♪ (Diogee runs past the inattentive airport security staff.) Singers: ♪ Don't worry, baby ♪ ♪ You know I'm on my way ♪ (Show Diogee watching an in-flight film.) Other singers: ♪ Don't worry, baby ♪ (Diogee jumps out of the plane and parachutes to the island where Milo ''et al. are.)'' Singers: ♪ Don't you make yourself crazy; I'll be there any day ♪ (Diogee lands on the deck of the ''Indulgence.)'' Zack: Now we just have to figure out a way to get the yacht back into the water. (Diogee barks. "From Here to There" ends.) Milo: Diogee? Diogee! How'd you get here? (Diogee's eyes diverge; he is presumably flashing back. "From Here to There" starts again.) Zack: What's he doing? Milo: I think he's having a flashback. ("From Here to There" stops, and Diogee barks.) Milo: What is it, boy? (Diogee runs behind Milo and produces an almanac from his backpack. Milo takes it.) Milo: My old weather almanac. (Consults it) According to this, there will be a super-mega-high tide which only happens once every fifty years. Zack: Yeah, uh, what does that mean? Milo: It means it happens, and then it happens again in fifty years. Zack: Dude, really? Milo: Oh, it means we're about to be underwater in about — (wets his finger and holds it to the air) — ten minutes. Zack: That's horrible! Milo: Not if we're in the boat! (Cut to a view of the ''Indulgence and the coast of the island)'' The high tide will lift the yacht right off this island. Melissa: What about the teachers? Milo: Now that's horrible. Everyone! We've gotta find the teachers and get them back on this boat! And we've got — (wets his finger and holds it to the air) — nine minutes and thirty-nine seconds! (Cut to the faculty; Coach Mitchell is trying desperately to bring Principal Milder down, but she stands firm.) Coach Mitchell: Why can't I knock you over? I've got, like, twice your body weight! Principal Milder: I'm a middle school principal. (The faculty look at a rustling in the bushes, from which Milo, Melissa, Zack, and Diogee emerge. They look on, confused. Melissa takes out her phone and photographs the scene, agape.) Melissa: This one's going in the yearbook. Milo: Um, while I admire the rich culture that you've created in — (wets his finger and holds it to the air) — forty-five minutes, we've gotta get you back to the boat! Principal Milder: You do not give orders! I'' wield the scepter of Krem-Hai! ''(Diogee leaps up and snatches the scepter from her.) Okay, now the dog has it. Unnamed teacher, Mrs. White and Ms. Murawski: We must do as he bids, for he has the scepter! (They follow Diogee) Zack: (imitating Scott the under grounder) "The floppy-eared one will be our leader!" Melissa: I know, right? (Cut to Diogee running, and all the faculty following.) Ms. Murawski: He has the scepter! He is the chosen one! (The faculty chatter indistinctly.) Milo: (runs between them and Diogee) We don't have time for this! The island will be underwater any second now! Coach Mitchell: Why should we believe you! I invoke the right of Krem — (Principal Milder turns his head) (A net is lowered from the ''Indulgence; the children, the teachers, and Diogee enter it. The tide comes on.)'' Zack: The high tide! (The tide raises the ''Indulgence and carries it across the island.)'' Melissa: It's working! Milo: Everyone, hold on! (A wave washes over the boat.) Coach Mitchell: O, the island spirits are wrathful! I invoke the right of Krem — Principal Milder: Yeah, we're not doing that anymore. (Another wave washes over, and a squid attaches itself to Ms. Murawski's face.) Ms. Murawski: Get it off, get it off! (It is flung at Zack and hits him.) Zack: Flying fish, flying fish! (Cut to surfers; the ''Indulgence overshadows them. They make way for it, and it runs aground on a beach.)'' Surf competition judge: Congratulations go to the S.S. Indulgence! You're the winners of the Jefferson G. County surf competition. Surfer: A boat can't win a surf competition! That's like a washing machine winning a beauty pageant! (Whiz-pan to a beauty pageant, which a washing machine has won.) Attendee: A washing machine can't win a beauty pageant! That's like a cardboard box being appointed to the Supreme Court. (Whiz-pan to eight Supreme Court Justices and a cardboard box in appropriate robes. One looks skeptically at it, but changes his mind.) Supreme Court Justice: Actually, I'm okay with it. (Cut back to the surf competition. The judge is consulting a rule-book.) Surf competition judge: Well, apparently, a boat can win a surf competition; it just doesn't come up very often and, well, (picks up a giant check) here's your prize money: 58 212 dollars. (Principal Milder takes it.) Principal Milder: That's just enough money to fix the yacht! Mrs. White: With two dollars left over. Unnamed teacher: We can buy a candy bar and a half! (Cut to a pier, on which stand Milo, Zack, and Melissa.) Melissa: You know, guys, I think we handled ourselves pretty well out there today. Zack: Yes, we did. Bradley: (off-screen, lamenting) Carla!! Carla!! Melissa: Bradley, there's a guy selling ice cream right there on the beach! Bradley: (off-screen) It's not the same! (The end.) Category:Transcript Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:S